Blinking Into The Light

Today my daughter said she was really concerned about the way I was acting. Which touched a tough spot as years ago I believed my panic attacks would escalate into my going off the deep end. Certifiable. But I told her I was feeling ALIVE now. It's like I'd just come out of a long sleep and I am slowly shaking the bad dreams from my limbs; blinking and a bit disoriented, edging into the Light. His voice comes at these moments with the gentle whisper, "You're not going crazy, you're becoming REAL."

My friend E, who struggles with childlikeness too, was in a "picture" I had in the middle of the night last night. I was a child and she was an adult, standing in place and pouting. Grumpy. I asked her to play. I grabbed her hands and we whirled around and around and around and as we did she started to lose her adultness. She was losing her stature and transforming into a child! I hope this comes true. I want this for her so badly I cried. .. Not all of my friends have this child issue, though they certainly struggle in other areas. C can barely contain her composure in most settings. She is OLD, over 42, and she GIGGLES!! N never left game mode. She's always wanting to play a board game or get us out on the lawn for croquet without borders. S seems to have a firm grip in childhood, she spends lots of time with her granddaughter-- just playing! I learn something from all of them( and from E--grace)!!

So I am battling the questions in my head. Why did it take me so LONG??? And then, will I lose this feeling? Asking, begging God not to take it away. I am afraid He will let me play for a while and then bring out the Zinger. The BIG SERIOUS LIFE TASK I cannot perform. Ouch. Perform. I am eating up the book I am reading, Dangerous Wonder by Mike Yaconelli. Seems like what I've experienced during a given day, I read in the book that night!!

On Tuesday, after I got down off my bed, feeling exhilarated and more than a little nauseous, I remembered the book I used to read my kids night after night. It was about 10 little monkeys who jumped on a bed and fell off one by one, only to be told by the doctor that they got what was coming to them because they were naughty and jumped on the bed. Well, screw the doctor.